Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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