I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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