She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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