after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
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