My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
