My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
