I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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