I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
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