She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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