I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
