I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
