Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
