Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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