I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize