I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
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