If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
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