someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
