i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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