I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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