Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
