I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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