Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Randomize
