Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
you made out with another girl for some wings
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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