the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
