That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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