I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
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