You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
