My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
