watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
