I'm sorry my penis didn't work
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Randomize
