I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Randomize
