I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
