And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Randomize