dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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