I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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