dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
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