If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
