She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Randomize
