I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
