Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
