I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
