Your tits are I can't wait for
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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