I skipped work to stalk him.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
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