If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
