I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
