how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
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