if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
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