I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Michael Bay diarrhea
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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