You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
