***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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