He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
