I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Randomize
