my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Randomize
