imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
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