We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
