one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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