I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
