If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
We need to get me chipped asap
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
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