Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
