so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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