dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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