I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
